Six years ago, when I had clients sitting in my office, I would ask them a series of questions as their financial advisor. Things like, ‘When do you want to retire?’ ‘What are your biggest fears?’ and ‘How much have you saved?’
Too many of these clients came back six and 12 months later, no further along in their financial journey. They may have left with a financial plan, but here’s what they didn’t leave with: a better understanding of why they use money and better communication around money. And they definitely didn’t understand the generational trauma around money.
To better help them, I first looked at behavioral economics, trying to understand the underlying motivations and biases that drive financial decision-making. Even so, I still witnessed clients struggling to achieve their financial goals. It was a pivotal moment that led me to financial therapy.
An Aha Moment
When I first found an article about financial therapy, I printed it out and showed it to everyone. I knew I had found a way to align my values and my profession. It was an evolution of understanding what money means to people and how much their thoughts, feelings and emotions around money affect their decision-making process. I became increasingly interested in the human connection and the stories we carry about money.
Now the questions I ask clients sound a lot different:
Describe the conflicts around money in your marriage.
I still needed to crunch numbers, but I also wanted to create a safe space for clients to openly explore their money stories, fears and aspirations. This shift from a transactional to a relational approach transformed not only my interactions with clients but also the outcomes we’ve achieved together.
Financial Therapy Helped Me, Too
Financial therapy, as I came to learn through my involvement with the Financial Therapy Association, offers a profound approach to addressing the emotional and psychological aspects of money management.
In embracing the principles of financial therapy, I have discovered a wealth of strategies that transcend traditional financial planning. It began with self-work as a husband and as a father — acknowledging my own money story, biases and anxieties. Through introspection, I gained invaluable insights that deepened my empathy and understanding of clients’ experiences.
Getting Couples ‘On the Same Page’
Central to this approach is the art of asking open-ended questions and embracing silence as a tool for deeper exploration. By adopting techniques from nonviolent communication and motivational interviewing, I’ve brought about more honest dialogue and empowered clients to articulate their financial hopes and fears with clarity. The aim is to increase their ability to have these conversations by reducing their anxiety and discomfort with the process.
Along the way, I’ve encountered different client experiences that allowed me to see the patterns in financial therapy. One example involved a couple, Tom and Tonya (not their real names), whose experience shows how important it is to talk openly and deal with tough emotions when planning for retirement.
Tonya, the more extroverted and emotionally attuned partner, openly expressed her fears about retirement. She sought reassurance and guidance from our sessions. Meanwhile, Tom, driven by logic and pragmatism, initially approached retirement with a more stoic resolve, masking his anxieties beneath a facade of confidence.
Through tailored interventions and communication strategies, we kept the dialogue going. I helped them make sure they understood each other’s views and got on the same page about their retirement plans.
Emotionally Preparing Men for Retirement
Another common scenario I encounter is the emotional unpreparedness of male clients for retirement. Many of them, deeply entrenched in their professional identities, grapple with the transition to retirement. They often experience feelings of purposelessness and isolation.
By initiating conversations early and reframing retirement as a journey of self-discovery and growth, I can help them envision a post-retirement life centered on their passions, interests, community, and personal fulfillment.
Beyond Money
At its core, financial therapy is understanding that money is tied to our feelings about ourselves, our sense of safety, and where we fit in. By using these ideas in my work, I’ve changed how I help clients.
As advisors, we can do more than just manage money — we possess the unique opportunity to guide clients not just toward financial security but toward emotional well-being and fulfillment.
Today, my clients don’t get just a financial advisor who’s also a therapist, but they get me, someone who has aligned his values and his work. My goal is to use the power of connection to navigate the many complexities of money and life.
Jonathan Kolmetz MBA, MS, CFP®, has over two decades of experience in the financial industry. He is one of a handful of professionals in the country licensed in both financial services and mental health therapy. As president of Oaks Wealth Management in Houston since February 2015, Jonathan leads the client-focused advice and asset management company. He is also the owner of Houston-based Oaks Counseling Associates PLLC, where he manages a team of therapists serving adults, couples and adolescents.
