Editor’s note: Amy Florian is a columnist with Rethinking65. Read more of her columns here.
Amy Florian
An important part of the work of financial, legal and insurance professionals is helping clients plan for what happens at the time of their death. These professionals are often the first to raise questions about estate plans, life insurance payouts, guardianship arrangements, and more. Typically, they introduce these conversations by saying something like, “So when you die…” or “We all know that no one lives forever, so…”
These are technically accurate and well-intentioned openings, but they often land with a thud. More often than not, they provoke immediate pushback from clients who don’t want to talk about it. This resistance isn’t necessarily about denial or irresponsibility. The problem is two-fold, resulting from the innate processes of the human brain and the social culture in which we live.
Here’s What’s Wrong
First, our brains are literally hardwired to reject the reality of our own death. According to neuroscientists, when we try to imagine our own mortality, a neural defense mechanism kicks in. The brain instinctively shuts the image down and categorizes it as something that happens to other people, not to us. This is a protective function, designed to keep our attention and intention on staying alive. But it also makes conversations about death feel foreign and personally threatening, even if we intellectually understand their importance.
Over time and with repeated non-threatening exposure, such as when professionals work with dying people in the course of their jobs, we can “teach” our brains to become more comfortable with it — but that isn’t the majority of your clients.
Second, we live in a death-denying society. In many Western cultures, death is tucked away, sanitized, and avoided in everyday conversation. We don’t grow up learning how to talk about it, and we’re rarely given safe spaces to explore the emotions it stirs. Mortality becomes a taboo subject, steeped in discomfort. Clients may know they need to have these conversations, especially as they grow older, become parents, or accumulate assets, but they still resist. It feels emotionally unsafe, so they dismiss talk of their own death, envisioning it as a far-off event that doesn’t need immediate attention.
So What Can You Do?
You can ease this resistance with a simple but powerful shift in language: Speak in a hypothetical past tense. In other words, talk as if the client’s death had already happened –yesterday, last week, three months ago.
Instead of saying, “When you die …,” try saying:
“If you had died three months ago, what would your kids be doing with the money now?”
Or “If you had died last night, what would your family be worried about today?”
To a couple: “If she had died last week, what additional things would you have to pay for that she always handled, and what income would your household lose?” And then reverse it: “If he had died last week…”
It adds depth to the conversation when one partner lists all the tasks the other handles — things they would have to take on themselves if their partner were gone. Then, asking the hypothetically deceased partner if there’s anything to add often reveals even more. This not only validates each person’s contributions to the household but also helps create a more complete picture of future needs.”
This subtle shift can be surprisingly disarming, as it removes the immediate psychological threat. Clients know they didn’t actually die. They’re sitting here, breathing, alive. So, they are no longer defending against a direct confrontation with their own mortality and can think clearly, practically and calmly about what would happen if the death had already occurred.
In this safe mental space, they’re more likely to share openly, reflect honestly and work with you to build a plan that protects the people they love.
Multigenerational Benefits, Too
This type of language is also highly effective when bringing adult children into the planning conversation. For example:
“I love seeing the pictures of your grandkids. Let me ask you something: Are you absolutely certain their parents have a will in place? Because if they had died last week, would the court be deciding who gets to raise your grandkids? And would that person have the funds to do it in the way you’d hope for? Or would you end up spending your retirement savings to make sure they’re well cared for? If you’re unsure, bring your children in. I’m happy to talk with them about what they might need or give a second opinion on what they’ve already done. I care about your entire family.”
Learn What Matters
Death planning is emotionally charged work. It touches on love, loss, legacy and fear. But when approached with empathy and well-chosen language, these conversations build trust, increase clarity and position you as a guide who can handle life’s hardest realities with both professionalism and care.
It’s the right thing to do on a human level, and it also happens to be very good for business. Clients who feel understood and protected are more likely to stay with you, refer others to you, and rely on you for years to come.
So, if you’ve ever felt the conversation hit a wall the moment you mention death, try this small shift. Frame the scenario in the past. Remove the emotional sting. Invite practical reflection. And then, listen.
Learn what matters most to your clients. Use that understanding to craft a plan through legal documents, financial structures and insurance that holds their family steady when tragedy strikes. Show your clients that their lives, their values and their families matter deeply to you, both now and in the future. That’s truly exceptional service.
Amy Florian is an expert in life transition, an innovator in advisor education, and a transformational speaker & author. She is the founder & CEO of Corgenius, the first company to teach financial professionals how to support their clients in times of grief, loss and transition. She has delivered over 1,000 speaking engagements across four continents, published over 250 articles, and is the author of two multi-award-winning books. Visit www.corgenius.com to learn more.
