Financial Infidelity: The Valentine’s Day Gift Nobody Wants

Here’s how to help your clients build trust and honesty with their partner and with you on Valentine’s Day — and every day.

|

Editor’s note: Cary Carbonaro is a longtime columnist with Rethinking65. To read more of her articles, click here.

Cary Carbonaro
Cary Carbonaro

Valentine’s Day is often celebrated as a time of love, trust and connection. But as a seasoned financial planner, I’ve seen how money matters can erode even the most passionate relationships. One of the most damaging — and often hidden — issues is financial infidelity. Just as emotional or physical betrayal can break trust, financial secrets can be a silent killer of relationships, sowing seeds of mistrust and resentment.

What is Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity happens when one partner hides or mismanages money without the other’s knowledge. It could be a hidden credit card, undisclosed debt, a secret bank account, or even lying about income. According to recent surveys, a significant percentage of people admit to committing financial infidelity. Yet, many don’t realize its impact until it’s too late.

I’ve witnessed this firsthand, both in my professional practice and personal life.

Early in my career, I was married to someone who wasn’t transparent about his finances. He hid assets, his poor credit score, and his income.  He even hid the tax return under lock and key so I didn’t have access to. My situation was quite extreme, but I am a professional and it happened to me. That experience was painful but also transformational. It fueled my passion for helping others address the often-taboo topic of money in their relationships.

Stories From My Clients

Over the years, several clients have shared their stories of financial infidelity, often in hushed tones or between tears. One couple came to me after the wife discovered her husband had racked up over $50,000 in credit card debt. He had been using the money to fund a lifestyle he thought she wanted, but he never communicated his struggles with overspending.

In another case, a woman I’ll call Lisa confided in me about her secret “rainy day” fund. Lisa had grown up watching her mother struggle financially after a divorce and vowed never to be in the same position. While her intentions were self-protective, her husband felt betrayed when he learned of the account. For them, the key to healing was open dialogue and creating a joint financial plan that addressed both of their concerns.

Why It Happens and 10 Red Flags

Financial infidelity often stems from fear, shame or unmet needs. Some partners feel judged for their spending habits, while others use money as a way to exert control. Societal pressures, such as the need to keep up with appearances or the stigma around financial struggles, can also fuel secrecy. You can sometimes spot red flags if your clients are keeping “financial” secrets from each other:

Financial planners are often in a unique position to spot financial infidelity, as they have a front-row seat to their clients’ financial behaviors and dynamics. Here are key red flags to watch for when identifying potential financial infidelity in clients’ relationships:

1. Discrepancies in Financial Records

What to Look For: Transactions or accounts that one partner seems unaware of, such as hidden credit cards, unexplained withdrawals, or large purchases.

Red Flag: One partner is surprised by or denies knowledge of certain financial activity.

2. One Partner Exerting Financial Control

What to Look For: A controlling partner who insists on managing all finances, limiting the other’s access to accounts, or withholding financial information.

Red Flag: The other partner appears disengaged, uninformed, or fearful when discussing finances.

3. Inconsistent Financial Goals

What to Look For: Couples who seem misaligned on spending, saving, or investing priorities, or where one partner repeatedly overrides joint decisions.

Red Flag: Friction arises when discussing shared financial plans, with one partner displaying defensiveness or dismissiveness.

4. Sudden Secrecy Around Money

What to Look For: A shift in behavior, such as a client suddenly being vague or secretive about finances, refusing to provide documents, or being evasive about expenses.

Red Flag: A partner actively avoids joint meetings or deflects questions about certain financial activities.

5. Unexplained Financial Stress

What to Look For: Signs of financial strain, like mounting debt, missed payments, or a partner expressing anxiety about money despite seemingly adequate resources.

Red Flag: The financial stress doesn’t align with the couple’s known income and lifestyle.

6. Hidden or Unusual Accounts

What to Look For: Bank statements or accounts in only one partner’s name that don’t fit the couple’s usual financial structure.

Red Flag: One partner dismisses questions about these accounts or claims they’re “not relevant.”

7. Lavish Spending Without Explanation

What to Look For: Big-ticket purchases or lifestyle upgrades that one partner can’t or won’t explain.

Red Flag: This is often accompanied by defensiveness or claims that the spending is “for the family” without agreement.

8. Unequal Financial Engagement

What to Look For: A stark imbalance in who manages the couple’s finances. One partner might handle everything while the other stays uninvolved, either by choice or coercion.

Red Flag: The uninvolved partner may seem completely unaware of their financial situation.

9. Changes in Behavioral Patterns

What to Look For: A partner’s sudden interest in financial independence, secrecy, or withdrawal from shared financial discussions.

Red Flag: This might suggest hidden accounts, secret debts, or unspoken concerns about the relationship.

10. Overuse of ‘Rainy Day’ Accounts

What to Look For: A partner secretly funding or depleting accounts under the guise of saving for emergencies.

Red Flag: These funds are used without mutual consent or disclosure.

How Financial Planners Can Help

In my work with clients, I always stress the importance of creating a financial plan together. Joint goal-setting not only helps with transparency but strengthens the relationship as both partners work toward shared dreams.

Here are four ways you can help your clients avoid or overcome financial infidelity.

  1. Foster Transparency:Encourage open conversations about finances during joint meetings.
  2. Educate Both Partners:Help both partners understand their full financial picture.
  3. Promote Joint Planning:Advocate for shared goals and equal involvement in decision-making.
  4. Create Safe Spaces:Provide a nonjudgmental environment where clients feel comfortable disclosing concerns.

And here’s an icebreaker financial planners can use to gently introduce the topic of financial transparency while emphasizing its importance in both the advisor-client and client-partner relationships:

One of the foundations of a successful financial plan is trust — between you as a couple and with me as your advisor. Just like in any strong relationship, full transparency is key when it comes to money. It’s not uncommon for couples to have different financial habits or even keep certain things to themselves, whether it’s a separate account or hidden spending. I’ve seen how those things can sometimes cause strain down the road.

To make sure we’re building a plan that works for both of you, I always encourage open, honest conversations about your financial picture. Is there anything either of you feels unsure about sharing, or maybe something we haven’t yet discussed that could affect your goals together?

Using this approach will help you, as their advisor:

  • Normalize the topic by framing it as something many couples experience.
  • Build trustby showing that you value honesty and are a neutral, nonjudgmental party.
  • Open the door for disclosure in a safe and non-confrontational way.
  • Shift focus to the future, encouraging teamwork to strengthen their financial and personal partnership.

A Valentine’s Day to Remember

If you or your client suspect financial infidelity — or if you’re hiding something yourself — Valentine’s Day can be an opportunity to rebuild trust. Encourage your clients to start with a heart-to-heart conversation about their financial goals, fears and habits. Transparency is critical. Sharing bank statements, credit reports, and budgeting tools is a way to come clean and reset.

This Valentine’s Day, skip the clichés of roses and chocolate (though I’m not saying no to flowers!) and focus on the gift of financial honesty. After all, true love thrives in the absence of secrets. By opening up about money, you may find that your relationship deepens in ways you never thought possible.

Trust me, as someone who’s lived it and helped others through it, there’s nothing more romantic than a relationship where both love and money are aligned.

Cary Carbonaro, CFP, is a managing wealth advisor and the Women and Wealth ambassador at Ashton Thomas Private Wealth. She advocates for women in the financial industry, which she has been part of for more than 25 years. Her first book, “The Money Queen’s Guide: For Women Who Want to Build Wealth and Banish Fear,” is available through major book retailers.  

Latest News

See all >>

N.J. Is Changing Who Has to Pay the ‘Mansion Tax’

The new state budget also increases the tax, but not as much as the governor wanted.

GoFundMe Launches Charitable Giving Funds with Vanguard, BlackRock

GoFundMe has 200 million users and could broaden the appeal of donor-advised funds for charitable giving — and centralize giving.

Warren Buffett Donates Record $6 Billion Berkshire Shares

The latest donation boosts his overall giving to charities to well over $60 billion.

BlackRock Looks to Expand Private Markets to Retirement Plans

The plans reportedly will include a 5% to 20% allocation to private assets, depending on the investor's age.

Capital Group Boosts Retirement Plan Service With Advisor-Focused Upgrades

 RecordkeeperDirect additions include “fund flexibility” offering investments from other fund families.

Firms Need to Get Back to the Basics of Organic Growth, Report Urges

Some that use artificial intelligence for prospecting are reporting huge gains in lead generation.